Feelin' the Pressure...
I'm not going to lie. I do want to be fun, fearless, crazy-sexy, skinny, ageless, gorgeous, attractive, fit, successful and secure. This afternoon I went to the gym. I love the gym...most of the time. The gym is a safe haven where I work off stress and find my peace (sometimes sanity). Today it was a haven of body builders. They were everywhere. Their arms were the size of telephone poles and they used every piece of equipment for an unnecessary amount of time. I wondered around trying to find a place to stand where I didn't look awkward while simultaneously not-staring at the 4 foot tall woman doing pull ups with a 50lb weight between her feet.
The day started out this way. The kind of day where I wore sweat pants instead of jeans because I had a feeling my jeans and also life were against me. The kind of day where I thought...if I were as skinny, pretty and fun as I want to be, life would be so much better.
As this scenario was unraveling and my list of goals-not-accomplished was growing I was listening to a teaching on breakthrough on Graham's iPhone. Along with many tips on how to "break through" Danny Silk mentioned that in some things you do not want to break through because the barrier you are pushing on might be overlooking the Grand Canyon. Obviously that was not me. I want to be prettier, skinnier and fun-er. Damnit. Speaking of which when was Miss America going to step aside so I could pump some iron?
Unlike most of my trips to the gym I was not feeling less stressed I was feeling like a bomb about to blow. Was my bra always this constricting? Was it always this hot in here? When did so many twelve year olds start working out?
"When you are pushing for breakthrough if you start getting frustrated, scared and hurt you are going into survivor mode." Said Danny. I was wrestling with said survivor on the way home when the grand canyon scenario popped into my head again. It suddenly occurred to me that although I started out searching for freedom,"freedom" was freaking me out. So I changed the goal from freedom to world domination. They are kind of similar if you think about it.
I was trying to control...everything...again. No wonder I was wound up so tight like my 9th grade science teacher and the Incredible Hulk twisted into one twisted twizzler. The line I give my kids came to mind, "Jess, no fun." in there case "fun or room", in mine, "fun or miserable?"
Danny said "repent", which for me meant; cease beating my head against that wall and choose a new direction. Pushing aside doubt, I intentionally let go of a few unhealthy goals, including: 1) world domination 2) trying to be God 3) Barbie-Oprah combo. To be honest I didn't have high expectations, but something happened when I stopped controlling: Peace.
So, I still want to be; fun, fearless, crazy-sexy, skinny, ageless, gorgeous, attractive, fit, successful and secure. I just don't want to be ruled by them. As far as who I am as a woman? I really do want to be free, even it freaks the you-know-what outa me.
