A brief break from the blog

and I'm back,

ready and inspired

to write.

Definition of Rest #3...

3. relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.

What would life be like with complete relief and freedom from everything that wearies, troubles, and disturbs?

It  might be kind of like living in a Barney and Friends episode. Except you'd think all the dinosaurs were cute and wonderful. And you'd be singing right along. Probably dancing too. 

Yep, picture it. 

Let me tell you a little story.

Two months ago my kids started getting sick all the time. I tend to be pretty chill when children are vomiting on everything from the carpet to public restrooms (that's awkward). I roll with it. I was even chill when one of my children had some sort of flu that included being so hyper he wanted to go jump on the trampoline approximately 2 seconds before pooping his pants. If my kids are sick, I prefer them to be tired and cuddly and watch disney movies with me all day.

But this would not end. Especially for my three year old son. Each time he'd get better for a couple of days I'd wake up to hear gagging in his room. I'll be honest, no kind of stress goes over very well in the middle of the night. (Kind of like when we have an infant and Graham and I get in weird incomprehensible arguments that include swear words I don't usually use.) I'd be pissed. Pissed because I had no control and I couldn't fix it. I felt helpless. 

I'd clean Scout up, or call a pathetic "You got this babe?" while Graham was caring for him. Either way I'd fall asleep with a twisted feeling in my gut. By week three..and then four, I was definitely getting anxious about Scout's well being. 

And then the melt down.

Picture this:

I'm at church. Usually I'm very social and talkative, possibly obnoxiously so. Today I'm walking around smiling, but not in a friendly inviting way, more like a has-Jessica's-body-been-taken-over-by-aliens way. Or, has-she-been-bitten-by-a vampire-and-now-is-a-vampire? This is probably what people were thinking... 

We were leaving in a few days for a week long trip without the kids. For the first time. I should have been a little loco anyway right? And on top of that Scout was still getting sick. 

By the end of church I was still having out-of-body experiences while talking to people. The kind where as words were coming out of my mouth I was thinking, "what am I even saying right now?" and "why are my lips feel numb and heavy?".

And the confrontation.

At about this time someone I love very dearly asked me to come get my kids out of kid's church. Instead of happily bouncing off to get my children, I began to feel surges of tears like when I'm about to throw up except with water coming out of my eyes. Rushing numbly, I felt "it" coming and tried to hand Oaklee to Graham, but he said he was busy. Which is like saying don't puke until I can pull over the car. I rushed the kids outside and strapped them into their seats while they were yelling things about water and food and cookies. As soon as the door shut the tears begin to come in torrents. 

Right as I sat in the front seat and released them into their full potential, one of my good friends knocked on the door. There was no pulling it together. Not that I needed to. She hugged me as I cried and prayed for me. I wiped away the snot, and went to find more friends, because turns out that was very nice. They were all sitting chatting about the usual things I'm sure, like PMS and Pinterest recipes. 

My friend took one look at me and said, "Oh! Are you alright?"

"NO."I exploded again into a waterfall of tears and snot.

They gathered around me like a team of ER nurses and hugged me, prayed for me and encouraged the feelings of failure right out of me. 

You know what feels better than never having to "deal" with stress and fear? 

Being completely vulnerable in front of people that love you. 

I laid it all out on the table in a safe place and God seemed to come right then and pick it all up. It is so necessary for me to live open and real.

And I felt such...

Relief and freedom, from everything that wearied, troubled and disturbed.

I felt known and loved. By my friends, by Graham watching (like whoa when did that happen) and by God.

And for some reason it didn't really matter that I still had nothing under control.

Sometimes it's easy to take on one thing at a time and to choose rest moment by moment. Like now that I've stopped feeding Scout dairy and gluten and he's not puking anymore. But sometimes I wake up in a bad mood, or things keep going wrong and it's starts to build up like a game of Tetras on speed.

And to be honest, I love peace all the time, but nothing feels better than peace after the chaos.

Or going back to level one in Tetras, after you've been on level 57.

...to be continued...

Special thanks to all my friends and my husband who never make me feel like I can't be a mess.